Our House
I love our house.
You asked me once, "do you care if we move?"
Stupidly I said I didn’t.
But when you toured that traitorous house on the lake,
A part of me was hurt.
You see I’ve always loved our house.
Before the remodel,
After the remodel,
Green door,
Red door,
Dangerously steep driveway or flat.
It’s taken many forms over 18 years,
But what I love never changes.
The stairway is still where the dogs sleep,
On guard but not really.
It’s where unclaimed laundry piles up,
And painful slips occur.
The living room belongs to our Christmas tree.
Wilted by ornaments,
Set ablaze by tinsel,
Surrounded by those couches you despise so much,
But wouldn’t dare remove.
The dining room is fancy but not overly so.
It’s where extended family laughs,
Blue ribbon paella is served,
And puzzles come together.
The family room is exactly that;
Where TV is inhaled and crosswords conquered,
Sports teams are worshiped and ruthlessly jeered.
Where blankets and remotes are hot commodities,
And catnaps turn to comas.
The kitchen houses more than just our meals.
It’s been the site of bake-offs and Super Bowls,
Board games and Heimlich maneuvers.
It’s where the day’s events are discussed and analyzed,
Over a table made from scratch.
The bonus room is nobody’s bitch.
It’s where the DVR is caged,
Movies meet reverence or verbal assault,
And wars are settled over ping-pong.
I'd go on,
But I’ll stop there,
Because for all the things I love about our house,
The best is that it always feels like home.
I love that you chose to write about your house because everyone has those random memories about their home that are special to them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I liked your use of adjectives especially 'where tv is inhaled.'
I also love it because it made me think about my home and how much I miss it :)
What's working: I agree with Megan, I love that you wrote an ode to your house and made it come alive with details. You not only gave the inanimate home life, you also gave the items inside it personalities too. And what a great take on involving your parents as well, for they're what make a home a home!
ReplyDeleteWhat could be better: there are a couple of instances where you sound ambivalent about your feelings. If you're ambivalent, then your reader is going to be ambivalent. There's a reason you feel these feelings, and its because they're strong. So if they're not strong, don't write 'em!
Example:
You asked me once, "do you care if we move?"
Stupidly I said I didn’t.
But when you toured that traitorous house on the lake,
A part of me was hurt.
I think a part of you is not enough. You were hurt. Simple.
or here: The stairway is still where the dogs sleep,
On guard but not really.
I'm not sure what you're trying to say - is it the dogs who feel like they're guard dogs but perhaps the family doesn't share that feeling? The use of not really is a little too ambivalent, and it ends up creating ambiguousness I don't think you intended. (I know ambguiousness isn't a word, but I like it.)
Also, I love the bit about the remodel! And I think you've done an overall really good job of making every word count. However, i think there are entire phrases you could lose. Cut this first line, and the very first line in the poem. We wanna hear the ways in which you love the house, not simply that you love it. The exciting part is in the how and why, not the what.
This reminds me of last week's piece too, where you gave us the lead right away. Give the reader more credit, paint the picture for them instead of just telling them what you're about to much more excitingly show them. Resist the journalistic urge!
I like that you painted a picture of your house, I can totally see it. My favorite verse was the family room.
ReplyDeleteThe line about the dog being on guard, my dog used to lie at the bottom of the stairs too. I interpreted this to mean that he's supposed to be a watch dog who will scare away potential intruders, but in reality, he's just their cuddly family dog. Who's gonna be scared of this cute fluff ball? Like his bark is worse than his bite.
I would have changed the ending a bit,
"I'd go on,
But I’ll stop there,"
My thoughts were, why stop? Please, do tell.