Carissa's wedding shower

Before today, I thought all wedding showers sucked balls.  There's probably a less crass way of saying this but if you've ever been to one of these hell traps you know what I'm talking about.  That theory, however, was just proven wrong by my college roommate Carissa (NOT pictured above. Although I attached it because the woman rocking the "privacy bar" could EASILY be either of us at her wedding in September).

My NEW theory is that in order for a wedding shower to break the "ball sucking mold" you've gotta provide knock-you-on-your-ass bloody marys and equally delicious lines like these:

Carissa's Grandma: Isn't she beautiful?
Me: Carissa?
Carissa's Grandma: NOOO. That woman over there.

Carissa: I want to thank you all so much for coming and to Kelli, Cindy, my mom and my grandma for putting this whole thing together.
Carissa's Grandma: Ha! I didn't do anything.

Kelli: Okay Carissa...time to open gifts!
(Carissa goes to stand up and the button on her dress pops open--for the 20th time--flashing everyone)
Carissa: Here's your gifts.

(Opening gifts)
1st gift: Shot glasses
2nd gift: More shot glasses
3rd gift: Glass beer pitcher
4th gift: Wine chiller
Carissa's mom: Did anyone get you anything that wasn't alcohol related??
Carissa: What can I say? I'm a good time.

5th gift: Kitchen utencils
Carissa: I'll have Sam explain to me what each of these are.

6th gift: Towels monogrammed with their initials CSM (Carissa and Sam Maguire)
Aunt: Wait, what was that? I didn't see.
Carissa: I got S & M towels.

(Trivia)
Q: What was Carissa's first job?
Me: Phone sex operator?
Carissa: TAWNIA!!.... that was my second job you guys.

(Lottery)
(Carissa opens her gift bag and scratches out the lottery ticket inside)
Carissa's mom: Carissa, I think Kelli was going to have everyone do that at the same time.
Carissa: Oh shit.
(She stuffs the card back in the bag)
Kelli: Okay everyone, you can open your gift bags now!
(Carissa pulls out her lottery ticket)
Carissa: (Sad faced) Kelli? What the hell is this? Mine's already scratched out.
(She pauses long enough to watch Kelli's horrified reaction and then busts out laughing)

Kelli: Haha I totally thought we screwed you! What'd you use to scratch out your ticket?
Carissa: My teeth.

Carissa: Last night we were asked what we love about each other.  I said I love Sam's dimples.  Sam said he loved my big tits. That's my future husband.

HAHAHA Loves it.