Someone's abandoned bucket list

Today the hilarious Natasha Leggero posted this pic on Twitter along with the caption "My friend was renting his apartment to a chick he met at Burning Man and she left this behind."  I'd like to start by saying that if I were creating a list of the "Top 100 things to do before I die," I'd write "Find someone's abandoned bucket list" as item #1 because this thing is AMAZING.  #20 is my favorite by far not only because I imagine her FURIOUSLY adding it but also because it's sandwiched between "take care of a dog(s)" and "always write thank-you notes." 

Logo FAIL

 

Saw this logo on a subway ad today and was equally horrified and entertained by its inappropriateness.  I guess SafePlace is supposed to rescue victims of sexual and domestic violence but from the looks of the logo that's EXACTLY what's going to be going on when they get to this "safe place."  Before you object, take a good look at those two figures and tell me that doesn't look like someone's getting FULL ON groped from behind??  You may counter with "no, no, no the person in front is FACING the other person and they're just hugging."  But I thought of that too and that's EQUALLY creepy!  Someone grabbing you with big meaty paws like that and holding you against their face while your arms are pinned at your sides?!?  Uhhh no thank you.  I've seen dumpsters that look like safer places than this. FAIL!

Photo bomb!

 

HAHA here's a little gem my sister sent me via Facebook two months ago. I just found it today because Facebook and I have this long-standing love/hate relationship--I love to talk about how much I hate it.  Do I like, dislike, poke, prod, tazer, unfriend, refriend, defriend, and then freefriend?  That's far too much work.  The only reason I haven't deleted my sad little profile entirely is because every other month I will receive something--whether it be a Facebook photo, link or message--that is as profoundly brilliant as what you see above.  The fact that someone turned what would have otherwise been a loving memory captured between a father and his children into an ominous scene out of a horror movie?? Using just one word!?? Get outta here.  That's brilliant.

Please note I almost titled this post "photo bombs are the bomb" but stopped myself.  You're welcome.  If the aversion to Facebook didn't make me look like a senior citizen, the fact that I would even THINK to write that title definitely does.

CUTE puppy

Also I found this today.  You're welcome.

The Soup: Surviving Shakespeare

I was only half watching this week's episode of The Soup until my senses were bombarded by the words "Ay Caramba!" followed almost immediately by the theme to thriller. My eyes shot to the screen (naturally--a person only gets one chance to catch that kind of combo in life) and what I watched was nothing short of pure magic. I've since watched this clip 10 times and can tell you the reason for a Shakespeare/Michael Jackson mash up is never made clear but I wouldn't want it any other way. While watching the star actress stumble along to the dance moves is hilarious, seeing her hit herself in the head with a plastic mallet and fall into a 8-year-old's crotch is pretty great too. Enjoy!

Whoa! Just watched it an 11th time.  Can we talk about the beast that falls out of the first coffin?!? Haha just sayin'

TP trauma

What a tragic little scene unfolding here.  I love that my first reaction was actually a gasp--I mean look at how scared that top guy is!  I love it.

NUTS inside

Didn't know where this ad was going until I read the tagline.  Well done something called KNAZ.  That product name could use some work but your ad is spot on.

Glidden boyfriend commercial

Found this second gem while searching for the first Glidden commercial. Love that Bobby--who we don't see but I can already picture the kid's ears--is replaced with someone named Fernando. Who names their kid Fernando?? No one. Totally makes me think she's dating someone older and I instantly share this dad's concern. Well done Glidden and Walmart. I can't name too many other paint commercials that would make me laugh as much as these two.

Glidden mural commercial

Aside from the PHENOMENAL voice over the "mural" does--Don't paint meeeeee--I'd like to just revel for a second in the sheer randomness of the mural artwork being in a living room in the first place. Who would have this in their home?? No one. And that's why it's brilliant. I also love how quickly she silences him with the paint..."yeah, no. He's gotta go." Amazing.

Chelsea Handler Visits the Old People

As promised, a second dose of Chelsea Handler's run in with the elderly. LOVES it.

Chelsea Handler with Pop Culture Oldies

It's been too long since I've posted (what happened to June??) so I thought I'd come back strong with a double dose of my favorite clips from the OLD Chelsea Handler show--back when she was competing with shows like The Simple Life and Chuy was just the name of my favorite Quaker Oats granola bars. As hilarious as Chelsea is in this clip, it's actually Marion who steals the show. Enjoy!

Chalk children

I know these children! Well not THESE children but a pair just like them. I won't forget it. I was touring Alaska with my family ages ago and we stopped at this house owned by some family friends (I use the term "family friends" loosely because I don't even know their names now. I'm also using the term "house" loosely because I think most people would have deemed this thing a shack-on-wheels). Point is, they let us in so SOMEBODY must have known them.

What I remember happening next is me wandering innocently into the basement looking for a restroom I would never find. That's because seated in pitch black at a table BLOCKING my path to the restroom were two albino children (EXACTLY like the ones from the clip above) eating from a plate PILED with peas. And not the kind of peas you order as a sushi appetizer either--you know the snap peas you can hold. These were raw peas and NOTHING ELSE (See creepy picture below). Come to think of it, I don't even know how the damn things stayed on the plate without rolling off! Anyways, it's not important. What is, is that these chalk children were eating them ONE-BY-ONE with their forks but stopped the MINUTE they saw me round the corner. You know the "suspense music" that plays in the background of this clip?? Well that's EXACTLY what I heard in my head. Then I saw one of them mouth something I couldn't catch--no doubt HIGHLY ominous in nature like "visitors aren't welcome here" or "death will follow you now"--and I bolted upstairs like my life depended on it.

I learned that day what it took the cast of Cougar Town half an episode to understand; chalk children are no fucking joke man.

Carissa's wedding shower

Before today, I thought all wedding showers sucked balls.  There's probably a less crass way of saying this but if you've ever been to one of these hell traps you know what I'm talking about.  That theory, however, was just proven wrong by my college roommate Carissa (NOT pictured above. Although I attached it because the woman rocking the "privacy bar" could EASILY be either of us at her wedding in September).

My NEW theory is that in order for a wedding shower to break the "ball sucking mold" you've gotta provide knock-you-on-your-ass bloody marys and equally delicious lines like these:

Carissa's Grandma: Isn't she beautiful?
Me: Carissa?
Carissa's Grandma: NOOO. That woman over there.

Carissa: I want to thank you all so much for coming and to Kelli, Cindy, my mom and my grandma for putting this whole thing together.
Carissa's Grandma: Ha! I didn't do anything.

Kelli: Okay Carissa...time to open gifts!
(Carissa goes to stand up and the button on her dress pops open--for the 20th time--flashing everyone)
Carissa: Here's your gifts.

(Opening gifts)
1st gift: Shot glasses
2nd gift: More shot glasses
3rd gift: Glass beer pitcher
4th gift: Wine chiller
Carissa's mom: Did anyone get you anything that wasn't alcohol related??
Carissa: What can I say? I'm a good time.

5th gift: Kitchen utencils
Carissa: I'll have Sam explain to me what each of these are.

6th gift: Towels monogrammed with their initials CSM (Carissa and Sam Maguire)
Aunt: Wait, what was that? I didn't see.
Carissa: I got S & M towels.

(Trivia)
Q: What was Carissa's first job?
Me: Phone sex operator?
Carissa: TAWNIA!!.... that was my second job you guys.

(Lottery)
(Carissa opens her gift bag and scratches out the lottery ticket inside)
Carissa's mom: Carissa, I think Kelli was going to have everyone do that at the same time.
Carissa: Oh shit.
(She stuffs the card back in the bag)
Kelli: Okay everyone, you can open your gift bags now!
(Carissa pulls out her lottery ticket)
Carissa: (Sad faced) Kelli? What the hell is this? Mine's already scratched out.
(She pauses long enough to watch Kelli's horrified reaction and then busts out laughing)

Kelli: Haha I totally thought we screwed you! What'd you use to scratch out your ticket?
Carissa: My teeth.

Carissa: Last night we were asked what we love about each other.  I said I love Sam's dimples.  Sam said he loved my big tits. That's my future husband.

HAHAHA Loves it.

AT&T Commercial - Flash Mob

AT&T strikes AGAIN today! I think this one speaks for itself. Be sure and revel in the intensity of not only this man's dance moves but the way he rips himself free of that trench coat. My favorite part is when he chants "WE ARE..." and is met with crickets. I LIVE for awkward scenes like that! Good luck topping either of these Verizon. (Please note I almost followed this with the words "can you hear me now?" but stopped myself in time...you're welcome).

Samsung Infuse 4G "Spider"

DIED laughing when I saw this Samsung commercial. Props to whoever cast this masterpiece because without their reactions there's no WAYY they pull this concept off. The woman deserves a cameo in Scream 4, the phone's owner should get one in Jennifer Aniston's next romantic comedy (he can play the bumbling-best-friend-turned-love-interest) and the dude with the shoe is just my hero. The man's guttural screams were enough to leave me crying but then he goes and thumps the piece of shit one last time?!? So hard in fact that his body sorta lurches off balance?!? And he STILL doesn't realize it's the phone?!? Get OUTTA here. So good.

Jack Sparrow (feat. Michael Bolton)

Watching Michael Bolton sing about Pirates of the Caribbean shouldn't be this entertaining OR catchy but it is.  I bet if he had known how popular this SNL digital short was going to be, he would have re-thought that horrifying stint on Dancing with the Stars. Favorite random verse? "I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I give Jenny all my love." Favorite random moment? Bolton kissing a fake wooden seagull and tossing it at the camera. Comedic gold every time you play it.

Bitch slap city

Was watching House and caught this promo for Glee's finale which ends in an AMAZING-ly vicious slap to the face. Blink and you'll miss it but if you're like me you'll rewind a few times (including one time in slow motion) just to behold the brilliance. I'm always impressed when a bitch slap comes off believable and this is the best I've seen on TV.  Diana Agron, if you're reading this, give yourself an Emmy.

Give this kid a sitcom!

If you want to see a movie full of pure, unadulterated rage and a child actor who MORE than pulls their weight, watch Man on Fire. If you want to see the same thing on TV, watch this Volkswagen commercial. This little guy turns what could have EASILY been a lame commercial into one I could watch for dayyyyys. His facial expressions KILL me and I'm totally convinced he hates that pinata with a passion. The Dad on the other hand? Not so much. The only thing I'm convinced of after watching him is that he's a weak little bitch.

ANOTHER good car commercial Justin!

My brother commented recently that he never sees any good car commercials (I immediately threw the Kia Soul hamsters in his face--am I right??) but I also liked this one for Toyota Highlander. The song choice? Amazing. The dedication TO the song choice by BOTH parent actors? Impeccable. The wardrobe choice for the sad kid in the backseat? Brilliant. Haha because you KNOW parents like this would DEFINITELY dress their kid in an ugly sweater and turtleneck (that by the way...matches the one the dad is wearing). Too good.

Awkward pole dancing

This clip is only 30 seconds but it defines something I like to call "deliciously awkward."  The impromptu  dancing BEHIND the pole? The pained expression during the routine's final dismount?  The decision to ask if anyone wants to see more?  You can't script stuff this good and you certainly couldn't recreate it if your tried.  Well done Amy Schumer. If I had some extra dollars they would be yours.

Cyanide & Happiness - Beer Run

If this clip doesn't illustrate my sick sense of humor--nothing will. The facial expressions and line delivery of these little guys KILLS me. It was a hard choice but my favorite line has gotta be "you're not my babysitter!" Keep in mind a VERY close second was "Give me your purse you dumb bitch." Horrible, I know. I should really seek counseling.

Drunk cubs fan

http://vimeo.com/21819920

My gut tells me this clip is staged but my heart tells me I love it too much to care.

Old Fashioned Shaving Bunnies

I don't know if I've ever seen a commercial open with something so unoriginal and then TOTALLY deliver in the end. I ignored the beginning but perked up at the words "DQ blizzard" and "we have rainbows on fire" (Naturally...who wouldn't?) but NOTHING could have prepared me for old fashioned shaving bunnies. Nicely played DQ. Nicely played.

Photo shoots gone WRONG

Ohhh Patricia Barber.  Sweet, sweet Patricia Barber.  It's a good thing you're a "Jazz queen" and Where magazine isn't exactly flying off shelves because this is baaaaad.  Sounds like Chicago??  Sounds more like someone needs to fire their publicist.  I can't really blame her though because if I wanted Chicago-ers to attend MY concert, I'd definitely choose the burnt-orange raincoat with the sleeves that are a good five inches too short; and I wouldn't think twice about the chunky bracelets that make me look as though I've recently escaped prison but didn't have the key to the handcuffs.  I'm also sure it's just natural for a cover model to raise one knee, violently grip that knee with their left hand (making sure their pinky looks as though it's been dislocated) and then awkwardly place their right hand behind them (not really leaning against it--just kinda leave it at an odd angle so it looks like they're reaching for something no one can see). THEN, as if all that weren't photo gold, I'd be sure to have someone cover my right eye ENTIRELY with bangs and flash the camera a harsh, tight-lipped, dead-eyed look that screams "back the fuck up before I make you wish you were dead."  Yep. That'll get people to see a jazz concert.  Lovesss it.

Potato Dono...nuff said

Words can't really describe what you're about to witness. This clip starts as an innocent kid's cartoon then quickly--and without ANY warning--turns into a horrific sequence of death and despair. I was not anywhere near prepared and had what I'm sure 9 out of 10 doctors would categorize as a small stroke during the "vegetable peeler" scene. Good luck.

Drunk dancing at its finest

Bethenny Ever After Season 2 - Drunk Dancing - Video - Bravo TV Official Site

If you're not watching Bethenny Ever After, you may want to reconsider.  This clip from yesterday's episode incorporates two of my favorite things in life--drunk dancing and unrelenting sarcasm. Best line? "She dances like it's her job...by the airport."

Best SNL movie trailer

 

Saturday Night Live - 'Unstoppable' trailer - Video - NBC.com

Every time I see a promo for this movie, I'm reminded how hilarious this SNL trailer is!  By the third "Chrysler building" reference, I'm crying laughing. 

Peapod Grocery App

Description: Grocery shopping has never been faster or easier.  When you start to run low on an item or find one you like when you're out of the house, simply scan its barcode and click "Add to cart."  The item is instantly added to your Peapod shopping cart and ready to be purchased at your convenience.  No more lists, no more grocery trips and best of all, no more forgetting items when it's time to shop.

         

Who is galaxy goose??

Where did he come from? What does he want with Chicago? And why the fuck is he blindfolded?? These are questions that have haunted my dreams ever since I brushed past this sweatshirt-clad enigma on the way to Chicago's St. Patty's day parade. The only bigger mystery of the day turned out to be where the hell the actual parade took place.  I heard drums but only found "I shamrock Chicago" t-shirts.

Mission statement

My bucket list doesn’t include snagging a corner office or securing a white picket fence.  All I really want out of life are good stories to share and good people to share them with. 


Well that, and more pictures like this one.

Water cooler humor

HA! If this isn't an actual ad for Belvedere, it should be. 

Pepto-Bismol "fortunes"

 

1. Use the pharmacy next door.
2. The chef sends his apologies.
3. We followed the ten second rule.
4. You won’t be smiling long.
5. We did more than spit in your food.
6. Enjoy your stomach now.
7. You don’t look so good.
8. You’ll regret this.
9. See you in the bathroom.
10. This won’t taste as good coming up.
11. Two entrées was a bad idea.
12. Starving orphans don’t eat that fast.
13. My dog wouldn’t eat that.
14. Pay before the nausea kicks in.
15. Your meal’s on its way up.
16. Blame Pedro.
17. Brace your body for the fetal position.
18. This date’s gonna end with your head over a toilet.
19. We predict vomit.
20. Bathroom patrons are gonna think you’re giving birth. 

Pepto-Bismol.  We'll take care of it.

Chart city

HILARIOUS milk ad

What IF?? Hahaha I LOVE this commercial. It kills me when the cat flips the page and when they're snapping their fingers in the alley! Genius.

Best animal voiceovers EVER

You haven't LIVED until you've seen this video!

Home Depot TV spot

1. [Hear group laughter and chatter as footsteps walk down stairs]

2.  [All noise stops abruptly as Randy and two guys see the room. A chip falls from Randy's mouth]

Randy (through mouthful of chips): Gary man, what is this?

3.  [Gary pushes his way into the room to face the group]

Gary: What is what? It's the new man cave!

[Gary’s arms open wide revealing the baby blue man cave behind him]

4.  [Laughter from group]

Guy 1: Yeah no it’s not.

5.  [Gary’s smile fades]

Guy 2: Dude, it looks like baby smurf threw up in here.

6.  [Gary is shocked. Group laughs]

Guy 1: Wasn’t this the color of your prom dress Gary?

[Group laughs as Guy 2 pushes Gary who pushes back]

Guy 1: (sighs from laughing) Yeah we’re out of here.

[Group turns and heads up stairs]

Gary: Really guys? Randy!

 

7.  [Gary puts hand out to stop Randy who’s last to leave] 

Gary: C’mon man. It’s just paint.

Randy: Dude I can’t. [Looks back at room] It’d be like sitting in a tampon box. 

8.  [Group laughs. Randy pats Gary on back and leaves him starring at the room]

9.  [THE HOME DEPOT logo]

V/O: Until there's hassle-free friends, we've got hassle-free returns.

10.  [Gary puts baby blue paint can on counter at Home Depot]

Employee: No go?

Gary: I don’t want to talk about it.

Best croquet fight ever

You can't SCRIPT crazy this good! I know it's shows like this that are the downfall of our society but the MINUTE that girl's body was thrown rag-doll-style onto the lawn, I was sold.

Sirius Satellite Radio Ad

Careerbuilder 2011 Super Bowl Ad "Parking Lot"

I know I'm two weeks too late to be posting a Superbowl commercial but I'm tired of hearing about Eminem and his silly Chrysler so I'm retaliating with this gem. My favorite part is strangely when the poor guy yells "Ron!" at the end. I don't know why but it gets me every time.

Hairspray headlines

1. We’re responsible for your hairstyle spending the night.  That strange dude with the “I heart Natalie” tattoo? That was all you.
2. Looks like your hairstyle isn’t the only thing leftover from last night.
3. We hold tight so you can let loose.  Really, really loose.
4. Style that lasts all day meets boy who lasts all night.
5. Your hairstyle shouldn’t quit before you do.
6. If this is your idea of a Tuesday night, this is your hairspray.
7. Fix less. Party more.
8. Gives you confidence to yell things like “THIS IS MY SONG!”
9. Goes great with your drunk dance.
10. Unlike every boyfriend you had in high school, it’ll last all night.
11. Holds like you would if you were holding the last beer on earth.
12. We’ve perfected the art of holding on. You? Not so much. [mechanical bull]
13. Judging by the 27 calls you made to your ex-girlfriend last night, looks like you don’t know how to let go either.
14. Holds tight so you can get the kind of loose that leaves you with an illegible tramp stamp in the morning.
15. We promise your hairstyle will be there when you’re done dancing on the bar.  Can’t speak for your clothes.
16. Your hairstyle is the only thing you’ll recognize in the morning.
17. Long lasting hold for long lasting nights.
18. When we promised to hold your hair back, this isn’t what we pictured. [puking]
19. We’ll hold you hair down. Your top is on you.
20. They’ll wake up with split ends.  You’ll wake up with him.

Perfect Couples - Sneak Peek

If you're doing nothing with your life on Thursdays at 8:30/7:30c, I suggest you tune in to this little gem on NBC.  You'll laugh, you'll cry and (fingers crossed) you'll keep it from getting canceled before it finds an audience.

Our house (in the middle of our street)

Our House

I love our house. 

You asked me once, "do you care if we move?"

Stupidly I said I didn’t.

But when you toured that traitorous house on the lake,

A part of me was hurt.

You see I’ve always loved our house.

Before the remodel,

After the remodel,

Green door,

Red door,

Dangerously steep driveway or flat.

It’s taken many forms over 18 years,

But what I love never changes.

The stairway is still where the dogs sleep,

On guard but not really.

It’s where unclaimed laundry piles up,

And painful slips occur.

The living room belongs to our Christmas tree.

Wilted by ornaments,

Set ablaze by tinsel,

Surrounded by those couches you despise so much, 

But wouldn’t dare remove.

The dining room is fancy but not overly so.

It’s where extended family laughs,

Blue ribbon paella is served,

And puzzles come together.

The family room is exactly that;

Where TV is inhaled and crosswords conquered,

Sports teams are worshiped and ruthlessly jeered. 

Where blankets and remotes are hot commodities,

And catnaps turn to comas. 

The kitchen houses more than just our meals.

It’s been the site of bake-offs and Super Bowls,

Board games and Heimlich maneuvers.

It’s where the day’s events are discussed and analyzed,

Over a table made from scratch.

The bonus room is nobody’s bitch.

It’s where the DVR is caged,

Movies meet reverence or verbal assault,

And wars are settled over ping-pong.

I'd go on,

But I’ll stop there,

Because for all the things I love about our house,

The best is that it always feels like home.

Now and then

Today I found out what I loved then about this movie, I still love now.

If you were once a twelve-year-old girl and HAVEN'T seen this movie, I'd remedy that shit real quick and get yourself a copy.

If you're like me, you'll spend 80% of it wishing your childhood involved graveyard seances, neighborhood rivalries and Schwinn bike trips.  10% lip syncing songs like "Sugar, Sugar" and "I'll be there."  5% reminiscing about how sexy you thought Devon Sawa was circa 1995.  4% googling "Devon Sawa" and the last 1% envisioning the look of disappointment on Christina Ricci's face when they cast Rosie O'Donnell as her character's older self.

My epic fail

I remember thinking it doesn’t get worse than this.  I was ass up, bent over a balance beam and swaying back and forth before a sea of ninth graders whose names I didn’t know.  

The assignment had been to perform a quick, three-minute gymnastics routine in front of the entire co-ed gym class.  Mine, as well practiced as it was, proved to be a harsh lesson in proper foot attire and public humiliation.

It started with me confidently running at full speed toward the springboard.  Once in flight, I was careful to position my toes toward the front of the beam so as not to hurdle over it.  What I didn’t account for was the fact that athletic socks aren’t the best apparel for gripping anything, least of all a balance beam.  Consequently, the second my feet hit the beam, they were ripped away from it and I was sent careening face first toward the ground.  On my way down, I caught the beam square beneath the rib cage and was left rocking helplessly over it for what felt like an eternity.

As embarrassing as the fall proved to be, I’m convinced it was made infinitely worse by the fact that I never reached the ground.  The seesaw action atop the beam left my ass prominently on display for a good thirty seconds while I recaptured the wind that had been knocked out of me.  I also think the humiliation would have been lessened if I'd have had a friend in the class.  Someone who, when I crash landed like a wounded pigeon on the beam, could have laughed and yelled something like “nice dismount bitch!”  But no, I had no one.  All I heard behind me was a collective gasp from the group followed by a whispered “oh shit” from someone in the back row.  

Red-faced and badly bruised, I remember sliding myself off the beam, turning to face the stunned audience and restarting my routine as if nothing happened.  No words were exchanged and no laughter had to be suppressed.  To this day I wonder how painful my first attempt must have looked for this to be the case.  My guess?  It was on par with the picture shown above.

Class canceled

This commercial depicts the morning I had today. Just imagine me as the little boy in the hoody (not too far of a stretch) but instead of being given a pop-tart, I've just been told tonight's class is canceled.

WHAT...a survey

Chelsea Handler's American Express Ad:

 

Cardmember: Chelsea Handler

Member Since: 2011

Occupation: Tori Spelling’s jockey

Childhood ambition: To escape New Jersey

Proudest accomplishment: Escaping New Jersey

Perfect day: Any day where I'm not forced to see my nugget of a sidekick Chuy without his clothes on.

Most unusual gift: I was given a great set of tickets when I was twelve.  And by tickets, I mean boobs.

Secret talent: Inventing new slang words for “vagina.”  Ie. hot pocket, kaslopis, and pikachu.

Recent impulse buy: A real a-hole of a rescue dog named Chunk.

Soundtrack: Tag Team’s “Whoomp There It Is” followed by Salt-n-Pepa’s “Push It.”

Retail therapy: Wandering the liquor aisle.

My life: Is borderline amazing.

My card: Got me where I am today.  Well that and sleeping around.

Cheetos Commercial - "Piano"

I don't know why but this Cheetos cat gets me EVERY time.  While this spot is hilariously random, my heart still belongs to that laundry mat one where he sinisterly suggests that a woman named Felicia add Cheetos to someone's dryer.

Do you have a jacuzzi?

TOP TEN REASONS MEGAN BONFIELD BELONGS IN ADVERTISING…

1. The girl can flat out write

Exhibit A: “All jeans are pants but not all pants are jeans.”

I rest my case.

2. She’ll make you think

In this case about pants. Then about jeans. Then maybe PajamaJeans.

3. She’s wildly competitive

If you’ve ever witnessed her attempt a game of poker after one (or five) too many glasses of wine, you know it’s true. She may not be able to see her cards or know whose turn it is, but fuck if she’s not leaving with your money.

4. She’s BEYOND inventive

I’ve seen this girl turn rice and vegetables into five-star lasagna.

Not possible you say?
Think again.
No, seriously, she didn’t have pasta OR cheese…
Doesn’t matter.

5. She’s shockingly experimental

If you don’t believe me, ask her Barbies.

6. She’s a remarkably good listener

I know this because she can name every Real Housewife in Atlanta but has never seen a full episode.

7. She’s out-of-control spontaneous

If you’ve ever been trapped inside a glass turnstile with Megan (you know, the kind that BARELY fit one person at a time) then you’ve learned this…the hard way.

8. She knows how to laugh at herself

I can say this with total confidence because she emerged from what will forever be known as the “turnstile incident,” laughing hysterically while her victim shuffled hurriedly away, no doubt traumatized for life.

9. She’s never afraid to speak her mind

For example, I have no doubt she’ll tell me something along the lines of “Fuck off Tawnia” after reading number 5.

10. She’s an EXCELLENT judge of character

Proof? She’s my roommate.

Best run...EVER?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGrFDoznbCw

I could watch this video for daysssss. 

Best quote of the day

"Jeans are always pants but pants aren't always jeans." --Megan

This (of course) is referring to the passive aggressive scolding I received from my underage manager the other day.  Apparently this company has gone classy on me and while black pants are appropriate work attire, black jeans are the devil.  I, naturally, was wearing the later and instead of simply informing me of the policy, I was told (gossip-style) that another employee had the AUDACITY to call and ask if she could wear black jeans to work.  I assume the reaction my manager expected was nervous laughter followed by nervous sweating followed by me vowing to never wear my trusty (and rather sexy) black jeans again.  Hell, she may have even thought there was a chance I would strip them off in front of her as an act of pure devotion to the franchise.  Instead, my response was "Ha! That's funny, because I'm wearing black jeans right now and if they care, they can buy me new pants because lord knows I don't have the money"   HER response? "Or you could just cut out Starbucks."


I left space for you to gasp like I did.  I go back to work on Sunday. In jeans.

Favorite link of the day

Tickling Slow Loris

 

I don't know what I love more, the video or the fact that it's called "Tickling Slow Loris" 

The broken umbrella

Today I saw a woman's heel break on the subway stairs.  She shrieked, toppled sideways and then hobbled off through a crowd of concerned strangers.

Watching this made me laugh, and then it made me think.  First, about why she walked (well crawled really) back up the steps to retrieve the broken heel.  Is she gonna take that shit to a cobbler? And then I thought about how lucky I was to have witnessed such an embarrassing moment. 

Which leads me now to the subject of this post (and quite possibly the best tragic moment in life) the broken umbrella.  You know what I'm talking about (if you don't, please see the EPIC picture attached).  It's when the wind whips up under an umbrella and bends it in half like a mother fucker.  The panic that ensues is why I LIVE for this scenario.  Watching someone (dripping wet obviously) struggle to save their priceless accessory could be my favorite 30 second moment in life (I say 30 seconds because if they don't get that thing turned up in time, there's no saving it.  They're left wrestling a mangled mess of metal and nylon that no longer looks anything like an umbrella).  The only moment better would be watching their face 30 seconds after they've realized it can't be saved.  They're drenched, disappointed with themselves and wondering what to do with what's left of their umbrella.  PRICE. LESS.  

My new favorite word...mousterpiece

Enjoy the brilliance

2011 and I aren't friends...yet

Top three reasons....

 1.

Started new year's day by losing my transit card.  Plus side, found out it costs $2.25 to ride the bus so I'm less worried about sharing rides with drugged-up crazies (do you know how much heroin that would buy?? Or big macs! That's like TWO big macs). 

2.

Made my way to the ATM in sub-freezing temperatures only to find a man had locked himself inside.  Plus side, found out later that I could have used my debit card to open the door.  Good to know.

3. 

Hopped the wrong train to get groceries which turned a five minute subway ride to Target into a 45 minute ride to an abandoned 1920's gas station in the middle of creepsville.  Plus side, I now know what it's like to be on the set of the Chainsaw Massacre.

New Years Eve

Top three lines from tonight…

1. 

[Girl bursts around the corner of what appears to be an abandoned alley—totally out of breath and crazy eyed]

Girl (to crowd of strangers): I think…(catches breath)…I think my boyfriend just tried to finger that girl. Did anyone else see that??

2.

[Girl catches friend sucking face with a rando]

Girl (in a slur-like whisper to rando): Hey…you…

[Rando stops and looks at Girl]

Girl: don’t you know she’s married?

Friend: SHANTAL! What’s the ONE thing I told you not to say tonight?!

3.

[Girl bites it on sidewalk. I mean we’re talking stutter step-think she’s gonna make it-nope she’s falling faster-face plant city]

Guy wearing a blonde wig and a t-shirt that says "Behave": Oooooh honey child! You's a mess.